A few years ago i fell down the house stairs. I ended up banged, bruised and battered but nothing appeared to be broken. However within a few days walking became difficult and eventually, within weeks i was unable to walk at all. Within a few months i was in so much pain that even laying down was difficult.
As every good Doctor should do i was sent for test and scans, they revealed i had osteoarthritis in my knees and although not scanned possibly in my hips too. At this point i was barely walking with the aide of two crutches. Once the Doctor’s realised i hadn’t broken something that needed surgery they referred me to the physiotherapists. In fact i think things kind of happened all at the same time.
The physiotherapists were so amazing and i will be forever grateful for them. In the few months i were with them they got me walking again. They told me it was my body’s reaction to the pain; the greater the pain the less the body wants to move, the less you move the more the pain increases. I was good, i behaved myself, but although the pain changed it didn’t get better and it didn’t go away. In the end the Doctor’s sent me for other tests; lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, Lyme’s disease, thyroid, kidneys, liver, etc. they all came back clear. In the end i was referred to a Rheumatologist (apparently this word does not exist in the American language, please advise). She was lovely, kind, gentle, she listened to what i was saying and she let me talked. She asked me to stand, face away from her and then she touched my body gently in several places. My reaction was immediate and i tried to pull away from her touch. It hurt. It hurt a lot. She said ‘i know what you have, you have Fibromyagia.’ She went on to explain Fibromyagia – your mind and your body has had enough and something caused it to switch off, when it switched back on again it was broken and cannot be fixed -.
I now have a walking stick. I keep telling myself i won’t need it today, tomorrow… and i would feel bad about still needing it. I came to understand that all i was doing was creating a cycle of want and not accepting where i am right now. I do know that the specialists ultimate statement of -cannot be fixed – may not be quite true, however i also know that any improvement takes time with many set backs. Before i was diagnosed i thought i knew what Fibromyalgia was, i have a couple of friends who have it, but i was wrong and even if your nearest and dearest has it you would be wrong too.
I spent a year researching Fibromyagia (FMS) and sharing what i had found and where i was in relation to what i had found on my blog and i have spent a year doing nothing in that direction as it all became too much for me. Along with the FMS also came a very deep depression and grief. In fact my depression was so severe that i wanted to die and i didn’t care who i would hurt in the process either, i will share more another time. FMS is Me and i am it. Right now it defines at least part of who i am and how i fit or do not fit into society. I am now registered disabled and seen as unfit for work and i am unfit for work far more days than i like to admit to, but i am admitting to those days because it is part of acceptance and moving forward. Adding all these things together with many more i do not have space or time for just now, i am going to share my life has it is not as other think it is or think it should be. Life is a journey it is up to us to make of it what we will each moment of each day, please come in and visit for a while.