Somehow or other we are led to believe that the only life worth having is the little house, with a picket fence, a spouse who loves us deeply and 2-3 children and a dog or a cat or even both. However for most of, in fact i think i can say for all us that is not the life that we are living. I am not sure right now if that was the life i had imagined for myself or not but it is certainly not my life now. Even from early childhood the curve-balls started coming at me and now as an adult the curve balls got so big that i can no longer dodge them and they have hit home and hit hard.
Yet just now i am in a space, i cannot think what else to call it, where i am waiting. I don’t even know what it is i am waiting for, but i do have a feeling of waiting. My physical health is always a problem, although there are good days between the bad these days and on at least some days of the week i am able, if i want to, get out of bed and do something. In fact since the new year with the help of my daughter Emily i have managed to paint the sitting room and half wallpaper the kitchen, which is large room. The house is looking like home, which was the plan all along. There is still much to be done, but for now i seem to have lost the forward momentum.
I think the reason for this is that i have taken my outward momentum into inner calm, inner waiting. As i sit here (in bed and it is nearly noon on Friday, it has been my goal since Jan to write my posts at least a day early) i can hear my old friend Magpie croaking away outside my window. If i lean a little sideways i can actually see her too, or maybe it’s a ‘him’. Not sure if there is a way to tell! Our minds are made in such a way that they dart between past, present and future and yet all the books i read on mindfulness says that all we have is the now. I am continually searching myself for answers to what ails me and what i can do about it, but the only answer i seem to get is wait.
Here are a few of my rambling thoughts –
I am now meditating most days, which is an improvement from the beginning of the year when i could not still my body much less my monkey mind.
I want to get up an go back to work and yet there are too many days when i do not function.
I am trying to change one things slowly towards my goal of being independent and part of being independent would be being able to support myself financially. In a roundabout way i already do, but to do so i have to rely on state benefits and disability benefits, but these are unreliable at best. This worries me! In fact what worries me more is that i may get too well for the benefit system and yet not well enough to be able to work full-time, part-time is no good it wouldn’t give me enough money to live on. I do not need to be rich, but i do need enough to live on.
I had a plan for when my last baby went of to university, that plan got blown to bits along the way. I have accepted that plan is no longer viable.
I have added one tiny exercise to my plan, which is to be independent, and it is a full body stretch. Sounds easy doesn’t it, but when you whole body hurts and all you want to do is sleep all the time it is hard, but it is a step in the right direction.
My different life doesn’t look like the one i had envisioned but i am still living.
What one thing can you change to live your life plan more fully? Do you actually have a life plan or any plan at all?