You see since my fall and then my subsequent diagnosis of Fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue i have been telling myself and the world – I CAN’T!
When we tell ourselves something enough times we begin to believe it to be true. I am very aware of how devastating FMS can be to some people, i have it and i have been there, but when we give into it we are done, beat, had it, might as well just stop breathing!!!
You see if you are not living then you must be dead and if you are dead then you are definitely not breathing.
I know this because just a few short weeks before my disabling accident i was called to help a couple of paramedics who had just come out of a lift at the end of the corridor, not far from the ward, have i said i use to be a staff nurse? As i strolled the few meters towards where they were and rounded the corner i knew the patient was in trouble. They gave me a quick report. In short he was dead, in full cardiac arrest and if we didn’t do something quickly he would remain that way. The monitor showed his heart to be in VF – ventricular fibrillation and we decided to administer a cardiac shock in the hope it would revert back to normal rhythm. However it did not, it went into PEA – pulseless electrical activity and the only thing we could do was to begin heart compression. It was at this moment i sent out a prayer, God we need help, not this one, not today! At that moment another staff nurse appeared who was returning to his ward above ours, between us we called out the team and as they arrived the man we were helping returned to life and eventually went home. I saw him again as a day patient, we shared hugs and tears of joy.
I never thought for one moment that couldn’t, i told myself I CAN!
In Liverpool i walked for short periods of time every day, sometimes several times a day, in between i rested and sometimes slept or meditated. The pain did not leave me and i slept amazingly well. Liverpool gave me back possibilities that i thought had gone forever.
At the beginning of this year i read this book ‘Live Long, Die Short’ by Roger Landry. I wrote an email to Dr Landry and he wrote one back. I told his how impressed i was with his book and his ideas and i wondered if i could use his ideas in my life in the hope of helping the FMS. However i did nothing about it, any of it. Yet while on holiday i mentioned the book to my daughter and began to muse on the ideas that maybe there were possibilities i hadn’t yet investigated. More about this tomorrow and into the future.
FMS will not kill me, but if i continue to allow it to control my life the illnesses of old age will creep upon me sooner and i will have no resilience to fight back. I know i have people following my blog who are also suffering with FMS and other related illnesses and i say to them -‘What kind of life do you want?’ To the rest i say – ‘How can you make your life better and how can i help you?’