There are have several days lately when i have felt all adrift, on a raft on a churning see with no oars to guide me. Then through the waves and the dark clouds come the bright shafts of sunlight and i turn my face skywards and i remember that i do have a purpose, a reason to be here.
When your body struggles every day to function, to be able to complete the simplest of tasks and all around you the world is speeding past – haven’t you noticed how everyone has somewhere to go – and all you can do is plod along step after step. Then they comes the feelings of ‘I want that or that or that…’ and you begin to despair that no one knows and no one cares and why should they anyway.
‘Barbie’ has been misbehaving so badly recently. She has been keeping me up night after night – tossing and turning and by morning my bed looks like i have been having a fight in it all night long. I pull myself upright come the dawn and within a small amount of time i am forced bad into bed and the rumpled bedding, because who has the strength to make a bed when your arms feel like they are about to fall off.
I read a book at the beginning of the year called ‘Live long, die short’ and i loved it. I loved the idea behind it and i wanted to change myself, I wanted my life back! I wanted A LIFE! Sitting in bed half asleep all day is no life at all and so i made a plan and started to keep some notes and mark off the days, but until recently i did not think my life had changed, but then i found the note book, forgotten, put to one side and in January i found i had written –
~ I wake at 8am after being woken 4 times by pain in the night, I am stiff and in pain. Getting out of bed is hard work but i must go to the loo. I shuffle the few feet to the bathroom The cats are meowing and i need to feed them as there is no one else to do it. I need food too so i can take more pills. I lower one leg down onto the next step and pause sliding the other leg of the step next to the other foot, The hand rail is no use as i have too much upper body pain…feed cats and put cereal in a bowl…i have to put the bowl on a step and then pull myself up the steps one step at a time…back in bed. I have to go out today and i am very tired, bus stop not far to buy food, buy what i need then come home too tired to cook and end up eating a buttered cheese scone before going back to bed…~
There is more but it goes along the same theme, pain-tired-tired-pain.
But i am more than this mortal body i am spirit too and my spirit yearns to grow and be free but it knows that they physical limitations are temporary, just for this life. But life began long before i had this mortal body but i do not remember it now, but yet my spirit tells me it is so.
Yesterday as i was tidying up i picked up a Bible on the kitchen worktop, i knew it wasn’t mine and the inside cover revealed it was my daughter Grace’s. It was her youth Bible and now she has a grown up one instead, the same words inside but the outside looks different. As i flicked through it’s pages i came across the following quote on a slip of card –
‘We made vows, solemn vows, in heaven before we came to this mortal life…We have made covenants. We made them before we accepted our position here on earth…We committed ourselves to our Heavenly Father, that if He would send us to earth and give us bodies and give us priceless opportunities that earth life afforded we would keep our lives clean and would marry in the holy temple and would rear a family and teach them in righteousness. This was a solemn oath, a solemn promise.’
Spencer W Kimball
I made a solemn oath in heaven to keep myself clean and to bring up my children in righteousness, i know it with all my heart that it is true and now i am here to prove to my Heavenly Father that i can do all things he needs me to do and if that means i need a broken body to be able to do them, then so be it. I will not give up and though life is often a struggle i know i am not alone either. There are moments in our lives when things come back to us and we know it not because someone told us, but because our hearts and our spirits say it is true.