Day 1: Death

Day 1: Death

A_picture_is_worth_a_thousand_wordsToday is Day 1. Today is the first day of my life. I feel like God has been waiting for me to say ‘let’s go’. But before a life can begin, one has to die to the old life, one has to let go and free fall, not knowing before hand where one will land and yet having the faith that God has his finger on it and will catch you wherever you may land.

Today is Day 1. Because today i chose life. For many months i have wanted to die. To walk off this planet and not look back. I didn’t care about the mess i would leave behind me or who i would hurt. But then in December my mum got sick, very sick and as an old lady she got sick enough to die, but she didn’t, because God had his finger on it and she got better. I often wonder why she got so sick at that point!?!

We had a conversation, my mum and me. In fact we had many conversations about deep things. I did not know that she knew that i wanted to die. I had not told her, but someone had. She knew i was sick and knew i was struggling and yet i had not told her, but someone had! She made me promise her that i would not do it! That i would not take my own life. I made that promise to her and yet in my heart i still said ‘i want to die.’ I told my friend recently that while my mother lives, i have to live because i made a promise, but it is not enough. I need to chose to live!

I am broken, I do not know if i can be fixed. But i can limp through this life broken and survive. But my heart’s desire is to live. To live fully and completely within my sphere.

This year my one word is CHOICE! I did not think even a few months ago that this is the choice i would be making. But today i chose to live. I take the words i want to die and i screw them up and throw them away, so that they are gone, truly gone.

Many of the things that have broken me and brought me to this point have involved others and so to protect them i do not speak of them and i am not encouraged to do so. It is taboo. But this is not the Victorian era and the evilness that befalls so many in this life needs to be faced, needs to be outed, needs to be told, needs to be said out loud and not hidden any more. For who am i protecting? The guilty that’s who, and they don’t deserve it. I do not need to protect the innocent, because they already know. But i will not talk of these things today.

I cannot guarantee that each day i will wake up smiley and happy and full of the sun, but i will wake up to life, to living, to being. It is time to be unbroken. It is is time to choice something different, because what i have been doing up to now isn’t working.

This world is evil, but within the evilness there is beauty and beauty is always praiseworthy. I want to wrap my arms around beauty! I want to wrap my soul and my heart and my mind around beauty. I want to feel it inside and out. God is waiting for me to feel it. He is waiting for me to let go. It is my choice.

Today i chose to let go of death and take hold of life. Today i make a choice.

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7 thoughts on “Day 1: Death

  1. Good for you, Beverly! I, too have kept silent about events which affects my health over the past few years ~ to protect innocent, grieving children and because it’s not my tale to tell. it’s hard ~ especially as I’ve always ‘written’ my problems out and found my solutions come to me during that process. But, like you, I don’t merely wish to survive, I yearn to thrive and rediscover the joy of living life to the full. One tiny step, one day at time, being grateful for all the beautiful things in life. Take care, my friend ~ and keep writing! 🙂

    1. Thank you for your comment. The guilty, hide behind the silence of the broken, who sit in silence in the hope that whatever happened in the past actually happened to someone else. My children spoke out, but the people who should have helped them, made them afraid and they withdrew their confessions and hid and i worry about them and what it will all mean to them in the future. Life is blessing. My children are a blessing to me and i am grateful for them. The world says they should be broken, but they are not and i am grateful for that, but the future worries me. For when you are busy living you do not have time to think about the past, but some day they won’t be so busy and then i worry that the past will come to them all in one big bang. x

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