I have read a lot of other blog posts this week, but don’t seem to have posted many comments. It is not that i don’t appreciate what others have written, i do, i honest do, it just that my mind is in a thinking mood, pondering on all that i have read, seen and experienced in this last week.
I set myself a challenge of 100 days of faith and not fear, i made the choice, but there has already been moments when i have let fear overcome me and i have panicked. My daily prayers have been to have strength to overcome those fears and i have felt God’s hand lift me above them at times and calm my troubled heart. I have always been taught there was a God, but i found him myself in my teen years and although there has been times when i have been so mad with him that i have refused to speak to him, he has never walked away and i am grateful for that.
I think family and friends see me as a person of faith, but i do not always see myself that way, i see myself as a wreck, drowning in fear. But today i am dwelling on ‘Accepting things as they truly are…’
We all have an innate sense of self preservation and we will go to extraordinary lengths to try and keep ourselves safe with the ‘what ifs’ that may or may not come our way. But today and every day from now on i want to put aside the ‘What ifs?’ of life and dwell of the here and now.
For me, the here and now looks like this –
~ I am sitting in bed with my best friend, laptop or lappy
~ The cat is asleep in the sunshine on the window sill
~ through the window i see the sun is shining and there is a wind blowing the branches of the trees, but it is chilly in here
~ the pills have not yet kicked in and i can always tell when they do, because my legs stop moving
~ there is stillness and quiet
~ a text from a friend – how are you today? If things are extra bad, to normal bad then i tell him, otherwise he just accepts that things are normal bad. He has known me since before all this began, when i still went to work and was busy living a different life – but i cannot dwell there – I know this is hard for him too.
~ the kitchen needs cleaning, the bathroom needs cleaning too, half my house is in boxes and the rest is in a mess generally…
Acceptance is all that we have. It does not mean that we cannot plan for the future, but those plans need to be realistic. I have a forever ‘to-do list’, which works like this, as one thing gets done, another one gets added to the bottom. I take care of myself first and then do whatever i can from off the list, but it never amounts to much, but for now i will not dwell on what is not done, but sit in this moment and accept it has it truly is.
Today i am grateful that i slept peacefully all night, that i was able to get to the bathroom, the kitchen, feed the cat, get breakfast, take the pills out of the packet, have clean water to drink, the sunshine, warm bed, and that things are ‘normal bad’ at least for now.