Life scares me! I have been trying to think about why that may be. In fact breathing scares me something Just the simple act of breathing. I have learnt a new way to breath. When you are in pain you learn how to breath differently. A bit like being in labour. With each of pain coming in waves. Yes, sometimes it comes in waves. I have had to learn how to breath through the pain or else it swallows me whole. I spent a year in bed at the beginning and it scares me that that will happen again. It scares me to be alone. All alone. I am all alone, but imagine being all alone and in so much pain you would like to pull your arms and legs off? It not like that, just now thankfully. It is giving me a break. Still have pain, but right now it is like a dull hum. Hummmmmm!!! Or maybe it is a Ooooooooooo!?! I am scared that my body will be swallowed by the disability and i will no longer be me. But just pain. Don’t forget the fatigue. Now I don’t know about you, but i find that the fatigue will follow a pain flare and then a pain flare with follow a fatigue flare. Continually one after the other. I am trying to not look too far forward and live each day and not feel scared. I still have my mantra – ‘I am safe. I have a place to live, food to eat and clothes to wear. I am safe.’ But there are times when i feel stuck. The past grabs me and pulls me backwards, for a moment, a day, a week and memories of back then really scare me. I have come along way. But I am not there yet. I am trying to tell myself that it doesn’t matter that i am not there yet and that here, right here, is okay, just as it is. But life scares me!