I have updated my blog. Been meaning to do so since the beginning of the year, in fact, I did begin, but then never finished. I do intend to replace my own photograph, but for now my alter ego will have to do.
However there is also another reason for the update, this is because I have come to the end of a cycle in my life. Let me explain a little bit more if I can, it will only take a minute or two I promise.
One day last week one of my blog friends wrote about how disabling Fibromyalgia is and that we go through all five stages of grief many times and when we finally think we have accepted our situation we then find ourselves back at the the beginning. But, what caught my eye and my thoughts was this ‘…and days when I think my diagnosis is wrong and I’m actually fine – or dying (denial).’ My reply was; ‘Or the days you wish you were dying as it’s more acceptable to everyone else and you wouldn’t have to live with it all any more, including the apologizing.’ However, I have come to realize since then, really deep down know, heart know, yes, heart know, that I am no longer grieving for the life i have lost.
Does that mean that I am cured? That I no longer have any symptoms or days when it is easier to stay in bed than to get up? Definitely not! But, something deep inside of me as changed. I no longer worry that there are days when the only time I am out of bed is for bathroom visits and to forage for food in the kitchen – my flat is very small; I have not got down with a tape measure, but i would around 300 square feet on a good day.
Life is not perfect. It never was and there never can be. Yet, as a Latter-Day Saint church leader said “When you cannot do what you have always done, then you only do what matters most.” (Elder Robert D Hales in Chosen to Bear Testimony: Elder David A Bednar, October 2015). This statement is so true for me, it as helped me to accept that some days the black dog of depression will growl at me from the corner of the room and that sleep is the only thing I can manage and so it is all that I do.
Let us all take a gentle look at ourselves and decide, individually decide, what matters most and what we are going to do to make sure that we do those things first and foremost. For some of us that may mean we have to sit and think about what we need, just for that day. And sometimes it is just time to let go and live moment by moment.
And for all those who are still grieving, be kind to yourself ❤