I am missing out on writing my blog on too many days, this is mainly because I have been trying to find a time of day when people are more likely to read it, but as i write for the world i guess it doesn’t really matter what time i sit down and write. It is now 10:00 am in England and the sun is shining and there isn’t even a breeze, it is a wonderful day.
I have lived in my little flat for a year now-yep! a year, which even to me does not feel like it. I am still in love with my flat and the area and things are good.
I have been reading ‘Succulent Wild Woman by Sark’ and I cannot believe that it has taken me so long to find her, she is incredible and speaking to my soul, mind and indeed my body too. If you want to find your wild side may i suggest that you find Sark too. She writes, “Before i can really LIVE as a succulent wild woman, i find that i must explore the Dry, Tame, Dark parts of myself. I resist my dark places (don’t we all) and try to hide from them from other people, but mostly myself. Sometimes I just skip from one addictive behavior to another- whatever is loudest and will most quickly fill the emptiness.”
All this is so very true for me, i could have written it myself. I began to write about my Dry, Tame, Dark places openly, but it offended and upset other people because they are not me and do not see what is inside of me or feel what i feel or indeed know what i know. I have a couple of really good friends, guys actually, but that doesn’t matter and is irrelevant, yet, maybe it isn’t, i don’t know – i share openly with them my dark places, even the one that is labelled ‘i want to die, but i need to live’ at least for now. That has to be my darkest place, so i lie to myself and tell myself it is not an issue anymore, but it is still there, so somewhere within me it still is and today i acknowledge it as such.
“Sometimes i am able to meditate and go for a long nourishing walk. Sometimes i just lie flat an still in a darkened room, fumbling for the leg of God to hold onto.” – Sark
Yes, I know that one too.
Yet, if we want to arrive at “succulence and wildness” we need to acknowledge our “faults and weakness” in the hope that they may inspire us to accept them as they are, so here are a few of mine –
i’m needy, an introvert pretending to be an extrovert, i talk a lot to cover up my nervousness, i tend to be too loud, highly sensitive, paranoid, a worrier, i’m an abuse survivor, i am nobody, nothing, not worthy of anyone else’s attention or friendship, i am broken, i have an addictive personality – if i were to begin drinking alcohol i probably wouldn’t stop (something else i tell my good friends)…i let others take my power…
However, i am also…
very gifted in a spiritual sense, spirits talk to me and i talk to them, i believe in God, i am honest, i am always a true friend, i am intelligent, i am curious, i love to read, i love to learn, i am brave, i have courage to face the unknown future – because it is all unknown, i do not gossip, i am a ‘seeker, a believer and a creative being…’ i am determined, i accept i don’t know everything…or indeed, i know nothing…, i love those i care about deeply, passionately…
“I am very real – deeply human, partly human, splendidly horrible imperfect, bent, disguised, loud, ever-changing, thoughtful, and thought-less, wildly narcissistic in certain spots.
How are you most human? What would a map of you look like?”