I am trying to let the things of the past go, but it’s not easy for me. Many things sneak back in when I’m not looking and they not only hurt me but I find that they hurt others too. I don’t know if I can explain, but I will try.
From the first day I went to church I met a man, who as become a friend, I have been here a little over a year now, he is married and his wife is lovely, but even so our friendship as developed. However, one of my greatest fears is that people will leave because I’m awful and I cannot see why anyone would want to spend time with me…that’s my inner self worth speaking…
It is an irrational fear because people leave all the time, they just do, it’s life and most of the time it has nothing to do with anything I may have said or done. Yet, time and time again I find myself saying things that metaphorically (not sure if that’s the right word, but I can’t find another one) feel like I push people away, especially anyone who really wants to hang out with me – I can never understand why people want to you see!
As a child my peers taught me I was no good, that I wasn’t worth being friends with, I was often bullied, and always the last one to be chosen for any team games and then only because they had no choice. These feelings of no self worth continued throughout my life and somewhere through the mess resulted in me marrying a man who continued to devalue me and did nothing for my self worth.
However, I don’t do it on purpose, this pushing, it’s not a conscious thing and I want him to know that – he thinks ‘i’m bonkers’ and he’s probably right, but I am making it public knowledge I like his friendship, I love the fact that when we are together he feels present, attentive. I like the way he thinks and the way he gets how I think. I like the fact that he listens, even if he then forgets, that’s human nature. I love the fact that he gives me his time, even though he is very busy and has problems of his own.
Friendship -“…is a mirror to presence and a testament to forgiveness…but can be sustained over the years only with someone who has repeatedly forgiven us for our trespasses as we must find it in ourselves to forgive them in turn. A friend knows our difficulties and shadows and remains in sight, a companion to our vulnerabilities more than our triumphs, when we are under the strange illusion that we do not need them. An undercurrent of real friendship is a blessing exactly because its elemental form is rediscovered again and again through understanding and mercy.” (David Whyte)
Last night in my journal I wrote – I will stop
– staying stupid things
– pushing people away
– talking about bad things of the past, the past is gone and cannot re-written
– stop worrying about a future I do not know about
– live for now
– stop moaning
– stop talking about dying, as I really don’t want to do that
– stop abusing my body
– live my own life and allow others to come and go as they wish
– be more forgiving of my weaknesses
– read, write and mediate
– love myself and accept myself as I am
– love others, love God
We do not always have to agree with each other to be friends, do we?