What If I Wasn’t…?

What If I Wasn’t…?


…if i wasn’t in pain?

…if i wasn’t so tired all the time?

Over the last two weeks of 30 days of meditation. I have been working on a daily session of meditation focusing on accepting and eventually letting go of the notion that I am my depression. Yes, depression is an illness and the sessions are not putting that fact down or ignoring that the illness can be debilitating.

Today at the end of the meditation session it asked the question, “What if you weren’t depressed? who would you be? what other words would you use to describe yourself?

It got me thinking about how many times i say to people i am…and i have chronic depression, chronic pain and/or chronic fatigue…I am no longer me! I have become my illnesses, which is not as unusual as it sounds as it is not unknown for those who have chronic illness to become them. We often give our illnesses pet names to make them sound more friendly – I know from support group websites that this is often the case.

But, what if we let go of the notion that we are…add whatever fits.

Whenever i talk about my depression i talk about it being a ‘black dog’ a notion brought about by the British Prime Minister Winston Churchill, who was open about the fact that he had chronic depression. However, I wondered if i could talk my ‘black dog’ by the scruff of the neck and throw it out of the door or the window, symbolically of course.

My granddaughter, Amelia has a blue monster that we often have to put out of her room, either through the door or indeed through the window. Sometimes the blue monster is at her home, but more often than not it lives under grandma’s bed. Maybe, my black dog should be treated in the same way?

It, like me, is a work in progress. Letting go of my black dog may not be the easiest thing i have ever done, but this is my year of change and the one thing i have learnt is that change comes gradually one day at a time. So for today, my black dog is out the door!

4 thoughts on “What If I Wasn’t…?

  1. Altho it is not the same as living with a chronic illness, I used to ask, to wonder who I would be if my mother had been someone else. Who would I be if I had been loved and nurtured? Years later, while coaching a young woman, I asked her ” who would you be if you were not ‘she who has cancer?'” How she answered that ultimately changed her life. These are good, important questions.

  2. Maybe becoming our illness or situation is all part of acceptance Beverly. I’ve lived as a chronic sufferer and someone who’s own children don’t understand for a couple of years. One day, very recently, I woke up and decided to change my approach to both of these situations that were keeping me in victim/defence mode. And life has improved by my shift in mental attitude. I like the idea of chucking whatever it is that is plaguing us out of the window ~ I will give that a go if I ever fall into self~pity again. Thank you for showing me that! đŸ™‚

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