Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. (Isaiah 53:4)
There are days when i wonder where God is. I mean, quite literally…’where are you?’ and what are you doing? are you taking a day off or something?
I do not see ailments and disabilities as punishments from God. I never have and i can’t see that changing anytime soon. Neither do i see all the bad stuff that are happening in the world, God’s doing, but weaknesses in mankind. Yet, there are moments when I lack the foresight or the patience or the something… to be able to understand why i am here, right here, right now!?!
Today i went to the library. The library is less than a five minute walk either end with a bus ride in the middle. I know i was tired today, i have had a couple of busy days, but the sun was out and the weather warm and the books needed to be returned and so i set out. I made sure that i went nowhere else and i didn’t wander too much in the library. I even took some light lunch and sat outside in the sunshine to eat it, before i set off back.
Yet, by the time i got off the bus and began the walk up hill to my little flat my whole body felt like it was falling apart. This is a pain i had long before i was diagnosed, in fact it was my first sign that something big was going wrong – and it feels like someone or something very heavy is pressing their whole weight on my head, which puts pressure on all my joints, pushing them outwards. Each step is one of pain. So where you, God?
Couldn’t you have given me just a few more ‘spoons’ so i didn’t have to crawl up the hill and fall into bed when i got home?????
Living with a chronic condition often leaves me wondering what God’s plan is for me. Through careful prayer i moved a few miles down the road into a completely different ares, which is a wonderful place to be. But, what is the point of being in such a wonderful place is all i can do is see it through the window?
Sometimes i just feel like i want to shout at God. I want to be angry with him. And like all arguments there are times when i really don’t want to talk to Him as well.
There are days when i feel like i am a complete train wreck with no hope, no patience and no faith either…but that’s being truthful!