It is not the new year! Beginning again.

It is not the new year! Beginning again.

be-stillIt is Autumn. Yes, indeed it is. The days are becoming cooler and are getting shorter and the trees are turning orange and brown and the wind are blowing the leaves around. Yet, the summer has brought change, enough for me to question myself, my sanity and what do i do when ‘God doesn’t feel like he is enough?’ A couple of days ago i sat down with my church leader and i asked him the same question; ‘what do i do when God isn’t enough?’ Then began a conversation, more of me talking and him listening about why i felt God was not enough, had let me down so many times that he has left me wondering if it’s worth it. Life that is. No, no thoughts of physically leaving, but there is a spiritual dying or changing that i cannot seem to be able to stop. Yet, i know God and i have seen his hand in my life in the past, but now i seek a miracle – the ability to begin again. I came home after that meeting and wrote out a time line, whose bare-bones were; 18 years since i left my husband, 10 years since we had Police and social workers crawling through our lives, (nearly) 7 years since my niece died, 6 years since i had my fall and 5 years since i had to give up work, 1 year since i lost my home. I feel like Job! (You know the guy in the Bible?) It’s time to put things in a mental box and file them under ‘do not disturb’ not to forget about the past, but to put it behind me and move on. Begin again! But, move on how? where? what? I hear in my head over and over again, ‘Be still and know that i am God’ I looked it up; Psalms 46:10. So many things in such a small life, now i need the new beginning to be bigger and better, but for now i am being ‘still’ as God knows me and he is in charge.

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