Meditation & Darkness

mindfulness and darkness.jpg

Baby Food???

Baby Food???

innocentMy stomach has been so bad lately that i have actually prayed for relief, and the answer i have received is eat baby food! What God is actually saying to me is this – feed yourself as you would a baby, with clean and simple foods, which will allow your stomach to rest and heal.

When you have to take daily medication your stomach pays for it, even when the Doctor gives you medication that is supposed and does to some extent protect your stomach, there always seems to be a gap. This gap, results in an inflamed stomach, stomach acid and stomach reflux and a continual feeling of nausea. This in turn seems to allow even the foods i normally eat to leave their mark.

But, when you cannot stand and cook eating what is good for your stomach is not always easy. I have already come to the conclusion that it is not the normal suspects that are causing the problem; wheat or dairy, but more often the combination of sugar and fat and/or red meat and often all those unpronounceable extra added ingredients, which are not needed.

Changes are hard to deal with and come slowly, but one at a time and i am praying that i won’t actually have to eat baby food!

So far, i have solved breakfast: porridge oats, whole milk, honey, fruit smoothie (Innocent) and fruit malt loaf.

Life could be worse – i once knew a guy who was allergic to water!

What a horrible week…

What a horrible week…

exhausted_revision_v02_01This is the shortened history of my week –

Sunday – church stake conference, which was really good. A friend brought me and a few other friends back by car and it was an all round good day.

Sunday evening – migraine

Monday – fibrograine (aka migraine + fibromyalgia = hell)

Tuesday – residual fibrograine, but i needed to get up and go to the food shop, i travelled both ways by taxi and when i got home i had a shower, ate some food and had a nap. On waking from my nap i realised that whatever i had eaten had caused a auto-immune response or in other words an allergic reaction, which felt not unlike a fibrograine + IBS = hell++

Wednesday – still very unwell. Stayed curled up in bed and ate very little and when i did i felt sick. Slept on and off through the day and then through the night too.

Thursday – the symptoms had begun to subside, but the fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue were heightened +++ However, i made myself get up and attend my regular book group as it is only once a month and although it was hard work to get ready it was good to attend and feel slightly human.

Friday – i woke up feeling absolutely fine. I went out, did a little Christmas shopping and bought some food. Then, in the evening as i was straightening my bedding and messing with the cat, George, hell returned.

As i walked around the end of the bed I let my eyes drift to where the cat was on my bed, rather than looking at where i was going, this caused me to loose my balance and the next thing i know is that i am laying on my side on the floor. I had banged the back of my head on the closing door, which slammed shut as i hit it, my right shoulder, my right hip and ankle hurt and my hands felt like they had been stamped on. I didn’t know whether to cry or not to cry, but i was in pain. I laid still for several minutes before i was brave enough to try and move anything. As i moved one limb after another i was thankful to realise that nothing seemed to be broken. However, getting up from the floor was another obstacle all together and took some time to maneuver, but eventually i was laid on my bed, in pain. As i was being pulled into sleep, not a good idea, i managed to text my daughter to let her know i had fallen, there wasn’t anything she could have done and i soon fell asleep.

Saturday – i felt like i had been squashed by a giant bear, very tightly. Everything hurt, but especially the back of my head and my hip, but the FM pain thought it would join in the fun and run up and down my body playing tag. I ate a small amount of breakfast, but halfway through i was sick, which along with the headache and dizziness whilst standing led me to believe i probably had concussion. I did speak to a couple of my daughters over the phone, but mainly i slept or curled up in bed and held on until everything settled.

Sunday – i went to church because a friend came to collect me, and it was good to be among people, but on my return home i went back to bed and more sleep.

Today – i am feeling exhaustively tired – all i can do is wait for the good day to come around once again.

6 Stages of Fibromyalgia

6 Stages of Fibromyalgia


Stage 1

You started experiencing pain and fatigue more than before, you’re not sure what is going on but you hurt and you are tired. You can hold a job, you can make it through your day, but you know something isn’t right… so it’s something you’re going to start researching.

Stage 2

You are in pain a lot, sometimes taking an anti-inflammatory drug or what have you. You do not get much relief, and you have accepted the fact this is something you are going to have for a while. you feel a lot of pain and you are exhausted almost every day, but for the most part you keep going and hold down a job, can still go to events, spend time with your friends and loved ones, and have some good time here and there.

Stage 3

You are in constant pain, you are constantly tired, you wonder whether you will be ever able to function normally again. You are considering not working, because you no longer have the energy you once had, you come home from work and all you can do is rest. You have to turn down invitations, you have no energy left and you have to rest up just to go back tomorrow. In this stage you start to feel more alone, and more and more people are beginning to think you whine too much. This stage can last a long time, perhaps years.

…you can read the rest here.

But i would like to add an 7th stage

Stage 7

It is called the ‘I Quit’ stage because you have tried every treatment there is, seen every doctor and specialist you can and everyone around you thinks you are faking it and you can’t really prove otherwise and so the only thing left to do is Quit.

Quit living up to other people’s expectations. Quit pretending you can cope. Quit trying to explain it all to others, as there is nothing to show them anyway. Quit taking the ‘shit’ load of medications that don’t help anyway and get rid of most of them. Quit denying that you are broken. Quit expecting people to understand or to help you – it’s not that people won’t or don’t, but you quit expecting anything from others. You begin looking after yourself, what you need and you get rid of what you don’t need, one layer at a time. Then you begin to find JOY in being who you are, it’s not an easy life, but it is your life.

Change comes slowly – sometimes!

Change comes slowly – sometimes!

kidsAs I begin to write this it is 9.20pm and i really i should be going to bed, but i felt that i couldn’t or maybe i wouldn’t rest completely without writing, because i am a writer. I am a writer in training and yet i am still a writer and the reason i know i am a writer is that someone, somewhere will read this and nod their head in agreement. For me to be able to continue to write things must change.
I came into the year knowing that it was going to be a year of change, God told me, angels told me and the universe told too and they continue to do so. For the last few months i have felt completely alone, i know i have written about this already and so i will not dwell on it again, but i knew i had to change something. Some of the changes have been really hard and yet i know God has my back.
However, the one thing i have come to realise is that i cannot change my diagnosis or how my chronic conditions affect me from day to day. I also realise that i cannot change other people or make decisions for them, besides i have enough decisions to make of my own. I have also come to realise that I am a child of God, that he has brought me here – to see what i will do and to see what others will do also. For we are not alone even if we live alone. Our energy is forever rippling out into the world and it is up to us to make sure that that energy is full of positivity, which is sometimes hard and at other times is the last thing we want to do or be.
After sitting in my deep, dark hole for several months, bemoaning my lot, I changed one thing and this one thing is making a difference and bringing about other changes too. What is this miracle? It was simply this –  i stopped playing hit and miss with my meditation practice Now, it has become centre stage for me instead of an add-on if i had time. Only 30 days ago i began to get serious about my practice, this was in part to do with a book i was reading ‘The Intuitive Dance’ but in the end the book is just a book and unless i changed, nothing would. Next i took away my crutch ‘guided meditations’ and i sat every day in silence, first for 10-minutes twice a day, i wasn’t very successful, but i persisted. At some point, it became easier, more restful and less forced.
Then i began to add a mantra to my meditation asking for guidance for my life from God, Angels and the Universe because i didn’t know anymore who was out there and therefore who would answer, but i believed someone would. Today i sat with ease for 20 minutes and when the voice from the app came into my mind that it was time to finish, i was sat with so much ease that i did not want to stop. Believe me when i say, that if you do not know who to ask for help, then just ask and i can assure you it will be given you.
Another book came my way, in fact until i had ordered it, it kept coming my way from every web page and site and angle and corner and i am grateful for it’s appearance – did the universe bring it to me, yes, i believe it did. It is called ‘The Universe has your back’ by Gabrielle Bernstein, more about it later.
There is another change coming (or two), but one can’t happen without me making room for it in my life. 1) There is a new blog coming – more about that later, but after writing this blog for about 8-years it is time for change and i think it is a good one. 2) I need to write less on my blog so i can write more on my book or as my clairvoyant friend told me ‘books’ – from what i have read, writing the first one is the hardest.
What is the new blog called? “Letters to my Children” – it will be let loose on the Internet on the 1 December and i will let you know what the URL is when it happens, i think those who follow my blog will automatically receive it in their emails.